The Brexit Party is celebrating its success in the 2019 general election by issuing a cheeky calendar. Each month will feature Ann Widdecombe in the buff.
Our embarrassment will be covered by strategically placed copies of the Daily Mail and pictures of Nigel Farage. Widdecombe herself is famously unembarassable.
“My fans have been begging me to bare all for years!” she boasts. “I’ve been saving myself for Nigel!”
The calendar has been described as ‘racy, saucy and a little bit naughty’ by party members who haven’t seen a woman in the altogether since The War.
LCD Views Exit Poll (aka Withdrawal Agreement) correspondent encountered Nigel Farage having a fag outside the Cash Launderette. Why Ann Widdecombe, we asked.
“Obviously these calendars require a popular and attractive figure, with a decent, erm, figure,” he coughed. “Ann was the obvious choice. We asked Annunziata Rees-Mogg, but she refused to bare as much as a single ankle!”
Define your party’s success, we demanded.
“We have put the cat among the pigeons, a spanner in the works, and the bluff into double bluff,” wheezed Farage through a cloud of Players No 1. “We won’t win any seats, goodness knows Joe Public is sick and tired of Brexit, but we exist to cause chaos, and are doing extremely well!”
Let’s face it, we persisted. If you succeed by some horrible chance of fate, and Brexit happens, you are instantly irrelevant and unemployed. Success means failure, so you can only succeed by failing, can’t you?
Farage gave that sort of horrified expression common to Tory ministers asked a straight question, and to Keir Starmer in doctored video clips.
“Nonsense!” he spluttered eventually. “Poppycock and piffle! Erm, I think my money, I mean my clothes, are freshly laundered now, excuse me…”
He stubbed out his tab and vanished.
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