THURSDAY NOVEMBER 14th – Excited Britons will be going to the polls earlier than anticipated after authorities brought forward the date of the General Election.
“Health and safety gone sane,” our Whitehall correspondent reveals, “that’s the thinking behind the move. Rail, hail, shine or plague of unseasonal locusts, Britons will get the chance to decide their future next week, after careful consideration of Russian and US billionaire backed misinformation campaigns on social media.”
But not everyone is happy with the turbocharged election date, with some opposition amongst would be MPs smelling a rat.
“It’s because of Boris Johnson and fears he may escape his handlers again, like what happened over in NI last week,” our chief political reporter guessed, “even though anyone who will vote for Boris has clearly had a lobotomy, or has shares in private US health, he can’t keep showing up like a Fast Show tribute act and it not eventually impact on the polls. Five more weeks of drunk uncle Alexander de Prattle? Holding forth on how the surrender of Singapore in WW2 was actually a victory greater than Dunkirk? Pass the port!”
Still, while individual parliamentary candidates may find the shorter time to get their local voters acquainted with their face alarming, there is also suspicion that the decision isn’t Whitehall exercising due care over the country, but actually coordinated between the major party leaders.
“It’s not just the Tories who will benefit from a truncated campaign. Labour can only say ‘credible Brexit’ so many times before people start to realise it’s an oxymoron akin to ‘Jobs first Brexit’. Remember that old chestnut? They stopped saying it once all the jobs started going first due to Brexit. Bit sticky for a party that’s supposed to represent workers, if there’s a decreasing number of workers to represent thanks to the moral validation of Brexit by the party leadership.
“And it’s possible the Liberal Democrats will benefit from a shorter campaign alongside the two big parties. That Swinson bus is going to breakdown somewhere in the country and cause a public health crisis amongst Labour meme makers as their brains explode in delight.
“Then of course the SNP will be perfectly happy to go and vote next Thursday. Greater turn out, not so deep into winter, and Sturgeon will be able to proclaim unilateral Scottish independence by Saturday.”
But putting the speculation aside, it’s probably for the best that the GE is happening this Thursday, from a public health standpoint. There’s only so much political verbal diarrhoea the country can be expected to ingest.
“And it means we can have a second GE on December 12th,” our correspondent smiles, “don’t scrub that date in your diary just yet. The first one is going to return a Parliament so hung it’s going to need a second soon after to sort out. But this time with everyone getting involved in tactical voting pacts.”
And we mean everyone, that’s it if you really want to GTTO.