SIT ON THIS UNTIL IT BLOWS UP IN YOUR FACES : Downing Street have succumbed to pressure over its handling of the intelligence services report into Russian interference in the UK’s democratic processes.
“We will release the report,” a Downing Street source said today, “as we have nothing to hide. Nothing at all. There’s nothing in the report which makes queasy reading for Conservative GE candidates. It doesn’t even mention donations of Russian cash into the pockets of Conservative Party MPs. At least I think it doesn’t. I can’t be sure though. As I haven’t read it. I haven’t read it because there is nothing important in it. I’m sure of it. Comrade. May I call you comrade?”
But in spite of the fulsome reassurance that there is nothing to hide some skeptics keep insisting, BIZARRELY, that Downing Street won’t release the report because it has something to hide.
“You are well aware of the character of outgoing Prime Minister Boris Alexander de Rouble Johnsonov? How could there possibly be anything in the report of interest? It’s not like the Russians would ever catch him in a honey trap!”
Still, even though it is perfectly normal and natural for a government to attempt to prevent publication of a report that exonerates them, and any political agenda they’ve lashed themselves to the mast of (Brexit), people are still pushing for publication.
“It’s incredibly unpatriotic,” the source continues, “insisting a report in foreign interference in UK elections and referendums in released right at the start of a general election campaign? Unnecessary distraction that serves no one’s interests but the voters. How is governance supposed to continue as it has been? How are people expected to continue to take millions from figures linked to the Kremlin? Who is going to fund the election? All good questions. Now is not the time.”
But what about concerns someone may just leak the report?
“Oh, we will do that ourselves,” the source smirked, “it’ll be left on a train leaving Saint Pancras station at 14:00 next Monday. Just as soon as the Kremlin has finished making the redactions.”