U SUK A : LCD VIEWS HAS CONDUCTED an imaginary interview with international trade negotiation tzar Liz Truss and can now reassure everyone that there is everything to gain, and nothing to lose, if you can just swallow the post Brexit FTA with the USA.
Liz Truss : Please, take a seat. But make sure you bring it back when you’re finished with it.
(Pause in the office of Truss for applause – Liz Truss plays canned laughter. Interview continues.)
Rosie Searchlight : Ms Truss, thank you for taking the time to see me today.
Liz Truss : That’s time I’ll take, but I won’t be giving back, even when I’m finished with it.
(Pause in the office of Truss for applause – Liz Truss plays canned laughter. Interview continues.)
Rosie Searchlight : Ms Truss, some people are expressing concern that a post-Brexit FTA with the USA would lead to the lowering of UK food standards. What do you have to say?
Liz Truss : People aren’t eating enough pork. It’s disgraceful!
(Pause in the office of Truss for applause – Liz Truss goes to play canned laughter, but realises she hasn’t said anything funny. Interview continues.)
Rosie Searchlight : Secretary of State, your position on pork is well known. But what do you have to say to concerned Britons about the threat from US food safety standards?
Liz Truss : Food regulations eat into profits! That’s why they need to be gobbled up. It’s almost Christmas. I’ll be a turnkey. You be a turkey! Don’t tell me you’re chicken?
(Pause in the office of Truss for applause – Liz Truss attempts to play canned laughter. The recording malfunctions. Interview continues.)
Rosie Searchlight : In the US they have minimum regulations for the amount of maggots that can be included in fruit juice. Rat hairs in chocolate. Mammalian excretions in other foods. Aren’t we better off keeping to more stringent EU standards?
Liz Truss (thoughtfully crosses her legs, leans forward) : We have to wrap this up shortly. I am expecting a phone call from Nanoobia.
Rosie Searchlight : Thirty insect fragments in a jar of peanut butter?
Liz Truss : Rosie, I’m sure you’ll agree with me that people struggling to feed their families often worry about getting enough protein in their diets? And I am not talking about eating professional teenage athletes! Not those pro teens!
(Pause in the office of Truss for baffled stares. Interview continues.)
Rosie Searchlight : Are you suggesting that inclusion of maggots in fruit juice will bring more protein to poorer Britons’ diets?
Liz Truss : Now you get it! Global Britain’s belly will be full. Just make sure you don’t stare too closely when you open the packet. We have everything to gain and nothing to lose.
Rosie Searchlight : Gain weight you mean and lose no pounds? To worm, or not to worm? That is the question?
Liz Truss : Whether it is nobler in the mind to suffer. The wings and torsos of outrageous regulations, Or to take up arms (and legs) against a smoothie of follicles, and by lowering standards ingest them?
Rosie Searchlight : That is the question.