The NHS is safe in our profit-hungry hands, claims Unhealthy Secretary Matt Hancock. I won’t sell the NHS, he says, or at least I won’t sell my shares in NHS plc.
“It was ours to sell anyway,” snivels an unrepentant Hancock. “Conservative governments have poured countless billions into the NHS, it’s about time we saw some return on our investment.”
Standards of healthcare remain unaffected, Hancock claims. “Obviously we had to lay off a lot of the overpaid dead wood,” he said. “Quite frankly, younger, hungrier, cheaper staff can do the same work as an expensive consultant. It’s done wonders for the profit margins!”
Hancock denies accusations that Americans have bought up our hospitals, and that British people now only receive treatment if they have taken out health insurance from Hancock and his mates.
To discover the truth, LCD Views’ Paying Through The Ear, Nose And Throat correspondent visited Trump Hospital somewhere in Middle England.
Unfortunately, we were unable to gain access since the bouncers took exception to the fact that we refused to tip them several hundred dollars. So we went round the back to have a fag with some of the staff.
“Working conditions are totally shit,” said junior medical associate Penny Sillyn. “Stupid job title as well, it means naff all and the pay is atrocious too. The patients call us McNurses.”
She shivered in her inadequate uniform. “We are supposed to behave like we are in a Carry On film,” she complained. “Hence the low cut top and skimpy skirt. There aren’t any hunky doctors, just twats who can sell themselves to the bosses, but can’t do the job. It’s like working in retail, but all the customers are dying.”
Surely your job is to make them better?
“Yeah, right,” she retorted. “Our job is to extract as much insurance money as possible before we send them home to die. Except for the loaded wankers on the Executive Ward, of course.”
With that she returned to work the rest of her 48 hour shift.