SHAGGING FOR BRITAIN : Great news today for Conservative and Unionist Party supporters worried about the size of the party’s GE war chest. Outgoing Prime Minister Boris “Shagger” Johnson has come up with a solution which will display his virility to full impact.
The solution, according to news we’ve just fabricated this morning, is that outgoing Prime Minister Boris “Bonkers” Johnson is to fill the old war chest by putting himself out to stud.
“He’ll service any species,” a Downing Street ‘source’ told LCD Views, “it doesn’t have to be human. Horse. Bullock. Canine. Feline. Soft furnishings. Home hubs. Sports cars. Light aircraft. Your sense of security. He’ll shag it senseless.”
What fee the outgoing Prime Minister will charge will depend on the number of services and the length of time the client wishes to spend with the prize bull of British politics.
“Clearly a lot of people have been getting screwed by Boris for free,” the source continues, “which in hindsight doesn’t seem in keeping with modern Conservative thinking on the economy. Although, to be really in keeping I guess Boris should be outsourcing the stud servicing to Donald Trump. But he’s too busy shagging America just now. So homegrown talent will have to do.”
As part of the fundraising drive an app will be released that will allow interested customers to book a stud time and pay the money immediately.
“This is the modern world,” the source added, “it’s not enough to just con and shakedown pensioners who will need their reserves to pay for that hip replacement post Brexit. Social media advertising is expensive. It’s good to know England has a primed prime minister willing to go to whatever lengths are needed to shag all the nations of the UK at once.”
It’s not clear yet what the app will be called. But a team are working on it and once the focus grouping has identified the best title it will be released. In the meantime you can arrange to be visited by Boris “Screwfast” Johnson by phoning an 0870 number.
“I think they should call the app ‘Classic Dom’,” the source finished, “or maybe ‘Short Cummings’, as it’s sure to be oversubscribed upon release and Boris shagged off his feet.”
Shagging for Britain? Someone has to get their pants down and do it, and it won’t come cheap.