A Danger: Unexploded Brexiter warning has been issued in the bosky surroundings of Rayleigh and Wickford. Residents have been advised to stay indoors and avoid the BBC.
The Brexiter, which is believed to date from World War Two, has repeatedly threatened to explode. The latest expected explosion date, 31 October, came and went without incident. But experts say that it could go off without warning at any time.
The army has been called in to take control of the situation. An exclusion zone the size of the constituency has been established, and nobody who is more left wing than Nigel Farage may enter.
The perimeter is being patrolled carefully. Not by aggressive types with guns and dogs, but by gammon hunters waiting for the explosion so they can get a free dinner.
Already some are suggesting that another exclusion zone should surround Andrew Bridgen’s North West Leicestershire constituency. An explosion of mashed potato is imminent, which makes a nice complement to Rayleigh roast gammon.
Brexiter disposal experts have been called in. They aim to defuse the situation by performing a controlled explosion in BBC Essex’s newsroom in the company of Andrew Marr.
In related news, the aforementioned Nigel Farage has been upping the Brexit purity ante again. Drop the deal and we will be your friend, he told Boris Johnson. Johnson, caught between two impossible, incompatible situations of his own making, declined. This incident did, however, set the Rayleigh timebomb ticking again.
“It’s a cock up, a foul up and a stitch up,” spluttered the bomb, causing bystanders to scuttle for cover. “Now the bastard is going to stand against us, split the vote and we will have to stay paying tax!”
With that he clamped his Captain Mainwaring tin hat on his head and stumped off, muttering “stupid boy!”.
If all goes to plan, the next scheduled explosion will be 31 January. Or when we revoke Article 50, whichever happens first.