SOME THINGS JUST AREN’T WORTH THE SHAME : England’s unsuccessful Rugby World Cup squad have revealed the secret behind their lack of success, after failing to allow South Africa to lose the final in Japan.
“It’s all the fault of shit-Midas Boris Johnson,” a team insider revealed exclusively to LCD Views, “we could have won, but you know what that would have meant, don’t you?”
What?
“A 10 Downing Street photo op. Ghastly thought. That’s a taste that you couldn’t wash away no matter if you gargled with battery acid. Better just to avoid scoring as much as possible and give away penalty kicks like candy.”
It seems the decision to do so was clinched when Boris Johnson hastily pulled a rugby shirt on over his business shirt last night and posted a pile of shite on social media, in an attempt to associate himself with the team’s efforts.
“You’ve seen Boris Johnson play rugby. Remember? Against the Japanese kids. When he chose to completely flatten one of them? Well, losing in Japan also seemed a good way to say sorry for his behaviour to all Japanese children.”
It seems also the decision of Mr Johnson to post a clearly cynically staged photo of him pretending to watch the game today didn’t help either.
“Sat there on the floor like a wally holding down that little dog on his lap? If we hadn’t already decided to lose, that effort would have sealed it. Why does he bother? Why doesn’t he leave people who actually work hard to achieve something alone?”
But while the decision to throw the game is now clear, and supportable, the government doesn’t seem to be seeing it that way.
Rumours suggest that Priti Patel has ordered Home Office officials to immediately revoke the citizenship of the unsuccessful English team and deny them return to Blighty. The charge being “bringing shame on the Fatherland”.
“That’s fine with us,” the insider added, “we’re really enjoying Japan. Hopefully by the time we’re eventually allowed home the entire toxic shambles in Downing Street will have been flattened flatter than a Japanese school boy stood in Boris Johnson’s way.”