ANY HOLE IS A GOAL : A ditch in the constituency of Uxbridge and South Ruislip has caused local consternation by filling itself in.
Shortly before lunchtime today, as news broke that Boris Johnson has had to accept a three month Article 50 extension from the EU, the ditch (known locally as Rodger) decided it was time to act.
“I had an infill contingency plan prepared,” Rodger the Ditch told LCD Views, “from the moment that walking bag of moral necrosis blurted out in front of the fainting police cadet that he would rather be dead in a ditch than extend Brexit again, well, I thought not in me you bag of bloviating pus.”
But while locally there is some empathy with Rodger taking steps to prevent Mr Johnson visiting, not everyone is impressed.
Local dog walker, Cilla Black (no relation) has a few things to say about how Rodger has filled himself in.
“Shopping trolleys, car tyres, plastic crates and mattresses?” She huffed, “he’s basically fly tipped into himself in the hope of being passed over. Although festooning it all with bunting printed in the images of Mr Johnson’s ex-wives, battalion of scorned mistresses and unacknowledged children was a crafty touch. I’ll give Rodger that. But I’d like to know how long he intends to stay an eyesore? Where am I supposed to fling all the dog shit, if Mr Johnson isn’t there to receive it?”
Rodger’s plans may also still be insufficient if Mr Johnson intends to be as good as his word, as rumour has it little paratrooper Mark “FFS” Francois is intending to explode inside him on the stroke of midnight on the 31st October.
“The little fathead thinks if he detonates in constipated rage it’ll start a Brexit riot,” Rodger sneered, “what a prat. He’s liable to blow all these rusty shopping trolleys into the trees and achieve nothing else. Brexiters, what are they good for? Absolutely nothing.”
Further plans for Andrew Bridgen to hold a wake for the Conservative Party, which is apparently over if Brexit doesn’t happen by Halloween, have been turned into a street party, after infiltration by fifth Colin-ist saboteurs. Yes, they are all called Colin.