AN ANT CAN LIFT ONE HUNDRED MARK FRANCOIS’S : The Conservative Party headquarters have confirmed today that little Mark Francois will he replaced as candidate by a simple Brexit slogan for the next GE.
The slogan, rumoured to be one of the classics, will be chosen by a ballot of the 1922 committee and then printed on toilet tissue.
“Printing it on bog roll will not only ensure a higher IQ candidate, but we can easily hand out the prospective member of Parliament to voters in Rayleigh and Wickford while on the campaign trail.
“If they then put it on the toilet roll holder in their WC they’ll see their next member of Parliament each time they take a dump. We reckon it’ll nail the message, and the chance of holding onto the seat.”
The plan is thought to have been dreamed up by superbrain, megamind, masterwheezer Dominic “Short” Cummings while he was wondering how to make the Tory Party more manageable.
“Andrew Bridgen is to be replaced by a cheap biro with a Brexit slogan printed on it. Nadine Dorries by an egg cup and Michael Fabricant deselected, but his insane hairpiece invited to stand alone. It’s exceptionally clever.”
But critics of the move to replace Tory MPs with inanimate objects have pointed out that the scheme, like anything Dom dreams up that doesn’t involve social media data abuse, is likely to backfire.
“I hear they intend to replace James Cleverly with a pair of socks. While it seems a smart move on the face of it, it’s going to create chaos when they can only find one of him when it’s time to vote. I can’t see the speaker letting an odd sock vote. And of course it will be impossible in that scenario to pair him off with another MP, unless they’re one sock short of a pair too and the same design.”
Rumours that Boris Johnson is considering replacing himself with a useless bag of hot air have been dismissed as nonsense though, as he’s already exactly that and it’s high time the House of Commons got its act together and pricked him by replacing him with a caretaker government and a GNU.