BEING A BIG BOY IS HARD : Boris “short trousers” Johnson, emotional age 5 (maybe less) has written a letter to some adults because some mean kids he knows made him do it.
The mean kids are part of a neighbourhood club that Boris joined and expected to be the boss of, just because. The club is friends with other clubs and they all make one big club together.
But Boris, emotional age 5 (maybe less), wants his club to be on its own because he’s special.
Now his club members have ganged up on him and made him do something he really didn’t want to do, just to stop other people getting hurt. At least for now.
This is tell the other clubs he wants his club to stay friends with their clubs for a bit longer.
“Boris doesn’t know why the other people in his club don’t trust him?” Iain ‘Irritable Little Duncan’ Sheets said, “Boris is the boss of the club so everyone has to do what he wants. Poo poo wee wee pants.”
But in spite of the tantrums Boris, emotional age 5 (maybe less) has done it. Because he couldn’t change his club rules in time to not have to do it.
“Well, someone in his treehouse did,” our Mature Democracy correspondent says, “it may not personally have been Boris, mental age 5, maybe less.
“He didn’t sign the letter. He may have threatened to give one of the other kids he hangs out with a wedgie unless they did it for him. Or threatened to tell on them over some secret Boris knows. One or the other. Or maybe he signed it in invisible ink. Who knows. But the letter has been sent. That’s what counts.”
What the adults who received the letter will do is anyone’s guess. Some think they’ll take pity on Boris and try and help him. Mostly because if they do he’ll bugger off and stop being a complete pain in the arse.
“More correctly he’ll be an even bigger pain in the backside but he will only be doing it at home. So the adults can just tut then and wonder about his upbringing. He can’t have heard no a lot when he’s being naughty. Or he screamed and the no became yes. Never good.”
It’s reassuring to know though, that when it comes to the crunch, Boris will do what he’s ordered to out of fear of being punished if he doesn’t.
“That’s because he’s a bully and they don’t like getting hurt. It’s all bluff and bluster and hurting other kids so they do what you want. It fills the screaming void inside for a while.”
Now, if the other kids are smart they’ll use this latest upset for Boris, age 5, definitely lower, as an excuse to stop him being boss of the local club.
Remember once, we used to be a country with respect rule of law at club management level and grown ups in charge.
“That’s not Boris. He’s a big kid who doesn’t respect the rules. Because his emotional age is 5, maybe lower.”
Well, that’s tough. That’s the rules of the club.