The shock revelation today is that the new unit of political corruption is known as an Arcuri. Boris Johnson has reportedly bunged 100 of them at the DUP to ensure their continued support.
Arlene Foster left Downing Street in a hurry last night. She revealed little of the transaction, but was heard to mutter “It’ll do for now” as she scurried away.
How much is an Arcuri? Some say £126,000. Some reckon, under the metric system, it is more like £100,000. The EU is yet to specify how much of the financial services sector comprises one Arcuri, but it is well known that Brexit Party MEPs salivate at its mention.
The exchange rates are highly volatile. The rates against Sterling and the US Dollar are particularly unstable, going up and down like “Bonking” Boris Johnson’s bottom.
Russia is thinking seriously about replacing the rouble with the Arcuri, in a bid to align themselves better with the Western world.
To clarify the picture, LCD Views’ All Above Board Guv correspondent spoke to financial analyst Curran C. Speculator.
How much is an Arcuri generally agreed to be worth, our correspondent asked.
“How long is a piece of string?” reported Speculator. “It’s as big as you like, and then some. Think of an obscene amount of money, double it, and chuck a couple of zeroes on the end.”
And that is how you calculate it?
“It’s one way,” said Speculator. “Obviously in the USA you have to add a few more zeroes. Think how much it takes to keep the Daily Mail in print for a year. Think how much you have to slip the tax man to not see your offshore accounts. Think how much you have to pay a gobby blonde to keep her trap shut.”
In which case, Jennifer Arcuri should have been paid much more than one Arcuri for her silence.
Nobody knows how much an Arcuri is worth, but it is clearly far too much.