NATURAL PROGRESSION : SHOUTS OF BETRAYAL and puce coloured faces in the shadowy halls of the ERG today after one high wizard saw through Boris Johnson’s Brexit Deal offer to the EU.
“FIFTH COLUMNIST SABOTAGE TRAITOR TREASONOUS BETRAYAL!” Corporal Mark Francois, ERG Catering Corp (p/t), was heard to shout as Jacob Rees-mogg allegedly revealed the result of a long term study of Johnson’s wheeze.
The reason for the all caps, all angry word sentence-salad wasn’t just standard ERG dialect.
A long term projection of Boris Johnson’s offer to the TYRANTS across the INGLISH CHANNEL showed an incredibly high chance of a broken and desperate UK attempting to rejoin the EU, in a hard Remain stance, within five to ten years time.
“The Blitz spirit will only carry us so far,” an analyst of UK-EU negotiations revealed, “especially as this blitz is entirely voluntary. It’s not like a fried chicken shortage that the average man and woman couldn’t have foreseen and took in their patriotic stride.”
Quite.
“Withdrawing from the EU under Johnson’s ludicrous conditions will see a spontaneous combustion of the country so rapid we’ll be hoping the door out was a revolving one.”
Oh.
“Of course it’s fair to say that goes for any withdrawal from the EU because it’s a nostalgia driven project, based on a misremembered past that doesn’t recognise the UK’s relative power in a world rapidly cementing into regional power blocs.”
Don’t say it. We’re Global Britain.
“But, as you were. Go ahead. Throw the country into the wood chipper of international relations. I’m sentimentally attached to the pound, but I can handle using Euros if it means my kids eat.”
Quite what the ERG will do to head off the inevitable 180 isn’t clear, as they only plan ahead one day at a time. Longer term planning is purely looking backwards and imagining themselves as an English Prince Albert.
“Now let’s talk about the shameful disregard of the GFA.”
No. We will not. We’re solely thinking about what English nationalists want. Thank you very much. That’s Brexit. Longer term it will be the badge we wear, embroidered with how we treated our allies and friends today.
“Whether or not Michel Barnier will conduct the negotiations when the UK rejoins the EU is the only aspect that isn’t clear.”