TUNE IN TUNE OUT : BORIS JOHNSON IS SET TO AVOID IMPEACHMENT after accepting a deal to resign as prime minister and renew his flagging entertainment career with a dedicated YouTube channel.
The offer has been made by a cross party coalition of MPs and Lords and will not please many as it means the nagging enquiries into what “technological instruction” actually meant with a pole dancer he helped direct public funds to, may go unanswered.
“It’s a very tempting offer, he would have been foolish to turn it down,” our social media analyst says, “the Lords have arranged for the thousands of bots and trolls that amplify his message to instantly follow the dedicated channel. This will allow him to carry on believing he has popular appeal. Oh, and there will be one real person. Nicky Morgan has agreed to be the first to put a heart emoji on each new broadcast.”
The prolific nature of Mr Johnson’s video output has been a feature of his time as prime minister and has taken the place of any actual governance.
“He just loves pulling his shirt askew and ruffling his hair before delivering a stream of mangled consciousness to the camera,” our analyst continued, “interrupted now and then with the day’s slogan by Dominic “Short” Cummings.”
The channel will begin streaming live just as soon as Mr Johnson can decide on the permanent marketing slogan to scroll across the screen as he stares into camera and pretends to read out questions from pretend fans.
The possibility of a tie up with Donald Trump has been considered, but it’s still up for discussion as it’s not clear he’ll be able to broadcast reliably from the cabin in Siberia he lives in after making a dash to avoid prosecution.
“The title of the first video is at least confirmed,” our analyst completes, “Surrender is my safe word. It’s apparently related to a memory to do with time spent with a model of restraint, who may or may not have been receiving public funds for a tech start up company.”