ONE DAY AT A TIME : Great news for people the wrong side of forty today, born after October 31st, with the announcement from Downing Street that every day after October 31st this year will still be October 31st.
“It’s to ensure we deliver Brexit, do or dead in a ditch, by October 31st,” a DExEU spokesman told LCD Views, “Boris Johnson has today signed an executive order to that effect. You will have noticed that we never said it will be delivered by October 31st 2019? Well, now we are saying it. Because if it’s always October 31st it’s always 2019. This will also likely make 2019 the longest year ever. Which people will like.”
But critics of the plan have cried foul as it clearly will discriminate against people who will not yet have had their birthday, thus leaving them in limbo until the dawn of the October 31st in which Brexit is delivered.
“Well, that’s really only going to upset people who aren’t yet 21. And can they vote? Would they vote Conservative? Very unlikely. So stuff them. Just think of how people the wrong side of forty, fifty or sixty will feel? You’ll never age a day ever again. Bingo!”
But other critics have also weighed in. Most notably the midwifery sector.
“We’ve a lot of births due after October 31st already. Seriously, we’re going to have heavily pregnant women stacked up to the ceilings waiting for their delivery dates to arrive!”
The government however was sanguine.
“Such women can use their E.U. FOM to have those babies on the continent or in Ireland. Then they can bring their babies home to be called traitors. This will align them with over fifty percent of the population that don’t want Brexit. I’d call that a win win.”
To assist people prepare for the change in dates, or more correctly, the failure of the date to change after October 31st, the government will be recalling all 2019 calendars with immediate effect.
“Then we will burn them. Just like the books and the atlases. It will help make a success of Brexit on October 31st, as after it becomes October 31st it will be important that everyone in Britain forgets there was ever a day that wasn’t October 31st. At least until we deliver Brexit. So that’ll be forever.”
It’s like they’ve thought of everything.