THE MAN WHO DISCOVERED DOVER : DOMINIC ‘PULSATING VEIN’ RAAB was said to be under sedation and expected to recover partially after experiencing a severe bout of momentary consciousness.
The freakish and unexpected attack happened when the Foreign Secretary was addressing a largely comatose audience at the Brexit Party’s conference, currently happening in Manchester.
“I don’t know what Manchester did to deserve this either,” Raab joshed with the audience, many there with translators, “for years Westminster politicians have conned and crapped on the north of the country, and now, thanks to a data mining, criminal cartel we’ve been able to hoodwink just enough into feeling empowered by pushing a total self destruct button. It’s bloody good fun, populist politics. Take back control by doing exactly what we want you to do.”
Raab paused momentarily to dab the sweat off his vein with a Union Jack handkerchief. Next he rung out the drenched square of fabric. Then he went on.
“By conning enough people all over England, the southeast too, to vote for Brexit, we’re going to fix that sense of justified grievance with the biggest dump on them imaginable. It’s quite the lark. What are we going to fix? Absolutely nothing! Where are we going to take the investment? Away to a tax haven! What can the EU do to alleviate it with its regional investment funds? Nothing until the younger generations have forced us to rejoin it.”
He paused again, seemingly scouting the middle distance to see how his oratory was going down. Judging by some of the snores and startled half awakenings, it was going better than he expected.
“But now, now, now,” he began again, before pausing for emphasis. This was serious Raab now. Deadly Raab. Laser guided Raab.
“Now the EU is laughing at us, quietly, behind their hands. They don’t have the courage to openly scoff in our faces like a British man. No. They said they’re fed up with us sending over complete and utter twats to negotiate Brexit? Well, guess what, the British people are fed up with us sending over complete and utter twats too. So take that EU! We see you. Do you know how much my vein pulsates when I stare in the mirror in the morning? The bile in my throat? You just wait until we crash out and you’ve got a giant dumpster fire on your doorstep. We’ll see who’s laughing then.”
At which point someone in the audience pointed out that the dumpster fire would actually be across a sea. It was a question of fully appreciating geography.
And that’s when the sedation began.