MONEY RAISED EXPECTED TO GO TO DUBLIN INVESTMENT FUND : BRITAIN’S GREATEST LYING (down) STATESMAN, Jacob Rees-mogg esq, has announced he will begin a feat of endurance lying (down).
“It’s to raise the standing of parliament,” The Victorian parlour game told a largely empty Conservative Party conference, “recently some scoundrels have brought the public perception of the mother of parliaments low by lying to the Queen to unlawfully prorogue our sacred parliament, making unfulfillable promises to the electorate, damaging our economy to the perceived benefit of offshore wealth funds, reducing our international standing to that of a joke nation, threatening the very integrity of our union and suggesting the actual government may not follow the law of the land. Something has to be done to correct this. Non possum accipere omnia credit. And don’t get me started on Bercow. No really, it would be unwise. I would just start lying.”
And he can’t take all the credit for the long list of accomplishments. But he can do something about it.
“I’m going to continue lying,” he told the decomposing corpse of the Conservative Party at conference, “and not just here at this wake for a once powerful British political party. I will lie in parliament, again, as I did so successfully during a recent debate. I’ve been in training for this moment all of my life. Carpe supellectilem!“
And when will the endurance lying begin?
“Oh, I have already begun, a considerable time ago. Well before I cooked up a plan to denigrate the civil service under the cover of parliamentary privilege. But now I’m combining what I do effortlessly with actually lying down too. On the green government benches. In parliament. The British man and woman will be encouraged to see such vigour on display.”
And how long will you continue to lie?
“Sicut aer in pulmone exspirare, et ego, dum moventur labia illius.“
Let‘s hope the lying (down) is successful and the Dublin investment fund feels the benefit.