NARROW CHURCH PARTY : The Conservative Party has found a viable way out of the knots they’ve tied themselves in over immigration by passing a motion at their Manchester conference regarding the UK’s population.
Speaking before a sparsely populated audience of people who thought they were attending a Brexit Party rally, James Cleverly made the announcement.
“We’ve had a talk and we are all agreed,” he told the audience, hands spread wide, “we have succeeded in reducing immigration and turning it into mass emigration. We’ve been so successful with our target the population of the UK is now only 17.4m! And that’s the only votes that count!”
The announcement woke a few people up and seemed to cheer many, especially as most had formed their views on social policy back when the population of the country was only 17.4m.
But suspicions are already circulating on social media that Cleverly, while clearly exceptionally clever when compared to a shrub, may not have been telling the complete truth.
“It’s because the Tory Party only counts the 17.4m who were conned into voting for Brexit,” our analyst advises, “so the rest don’t count. It’s their long term electoral survival plan. It’s not dumb. Even though over a million of the 17.4m have since passed away. So the actual population of the UK is now about 16m. It’ll do wonders for first time buyers and GP queues.”
Suggestions that they should do the count again, due to fluctuations in the population, were dismissed because that wouldn’t be democracy. In a democracy you decide something once and fix it forever, or scary things happen, like women get to vote.
“And what’s better,” Mr Cleverly added, “now we’ve solved the problem with immigration and driven everyone away, we can get on with building a hospital for every single remaining resident.”
More promises will follow throughout the day and they will also be complete and utter horseshit.