BLONDE BONKING BARMY BORIS BUSTED : The United Kingdom’s temporary prime minister, Boris “bonkers” Johnson has hit back, out, over and at the media furore regarding the £126,000 of public money paid to American businesswoman J Acuri, in spite of her company being ineligible.
“Did you get a look at her? I mean phwaaaaoooor! Who wouldn’t have shoved fistfuls of notes down her top. I mean, chaps, fellows, good friends. Like Theseus confronted with a Minotaur with extra boobs instead of horns! Have at you! Don’t say you wouldn’t have. You know you would have.”
But the statement, although clearly said in earnest, will do little to dampen the burning coals of a scandal that threatens Mr Johnson’s way of life.
“Come on now compatriots,” Mr Johnson added, for greater clarity, “you have to box a little clever with young blonde fillies who may, or may not, be on the make. And more importantly, who may, or may not care that you’re a married man with an indeterminate number of love children. Huzzah!”
And while many media figures will say it’s all just a storm in a teacup, some will still seek to make public capital out of what is essentially a private matter.
“It was supposed to remain a very private matter. Ha! Between you and me, what a goer! Ha!” Mr Johnson sought to shed a little extra light on the matter, “I mean, if I went round saying I was an emperor just because some moistened bint…no. Hang about. When the vetting committee of my party asked me if I had anything to declare that may embarrass me, or them, in the future, I just said no moral hazard here! There can’t be. There’s no morals! Ha! Get your kit off and let’s get at it.”
LCD Views would like to add ourselves as a character witness for Mr Johnson as this drama unfolds. Especially as it may actually end his premiership. Unless the UK is now total swamp of course.
“Let me make one thing absolutely clear,” Mr Johnson finished (not for the first time), “there is absolutely no conflict of interest in shovelling public money at that girl, as we both saw it entirely in our interests.”