GAFFER TAPES THE GAFF : DOWNING STREET is looking to get ahead of what maybe a sticky wicket tomorrow when the Supreme Court hands down its verdict on whether or not philandering Boris and that freak with the nanny lied to the Queen.
And it’s not just by having their offshore owned media bully and threatened judges and QC’s. There’s more direct action being taken to ensure MPs will now vote the right way.
Speaking exclusively to LCD Views an invented Downing Street ‘source’ told us they were intending to make MPs an offer too good to be true.
“They can come back early to Westminster, just so long as they agree to a new dress code for debates,” the source informed, “this will be a strip of tape applied across the mouth of all anti-Brexit MPs during debates. We had thought to go for ball gags but a quick search of our stock of licensed images revealed so many women in bondage, and nothing else, we thought the article unlikely to survive for long on Facepamphlet with that as the image. Happily searching just for ‘gags’ didn’t reveal many jokes, but it did get us a generic man with tape on his mouth.”
Pro-Brexit MPs will be immune from the new dress code. Partially it’s thought because there’s so much bile in their mouths the tape will just melt away.
“But also because they’re the only ones the government listens to anyway, as the people had one vote in a corrupted opinion poll some years back, and they don’t need another,” the source confirmed, “never mind the fact that just applying the tape to the mouths of men like Bridgen and Francois would require entire regiments of SAS.”
Suggestions that making any votes an automatic pro-Brexit one are also under consideration. MPs who wish to vote differently will have to opt out of being pro-Brexit. This maybe made more difficult, as plans are in place to use restraints during the balloting process.
And the geniuses behind the current proroguing of parliament have given thought to the Speaker too.
“We will replace Bercow with one of those weird, hot, posh girls that US billionaire funded, hard right ‘think tanks’ are always getting on the publicly funded BBC,” the source added, “there shouldn’t be any problem doing that. The old honey trap trick is rumoured to have already compromised so many Tory MPs over the last decade, total compliance with rulings from the chair is guaranteed. At least for MPs that won’t be taped. Do you want your wife to find out? That’ll stifle the debate. Guaranteed.”