Democracy: that most abused of words ever since Brexit became a thing. Finally, Number Ten puppetmaster Dominic Cummings has revealed the true meaning of the word.
Short Cummings’ logic is infallible. “Democracy means government by the people,” he writes. “Therefore, since I am a person, it means government by me. The 650 or so MPs are merely opportunist placemen and women, who ought to be grateful for the sort of strong leadership I bring to the table.”
Winter Is Cummings has streamlined the system considerably. “If one gains the absolute trust of the incumbent of Number Ten,” he writes, “then one’s job becomes infinitely more manageable. If one controls the (nominal) boss, then one controls the executive, and therefore the House!”
Goings and Cummings reveals a streak of eugenics running through his backseat driving. “Any member of the executive who dares to disagree with conventional wisdom, i.e. what I want, must be removed,” he reveals in a chapter entitled Ideological Purity. “Dissenting voices have no place in a clear-thinking and single-minded organisation. We need action, not thought. Ours not to reason why, ours just to do and die, whatever that pillock Johnson says!”
Independent observers believe that Premature Cummings may have shot his bolt too soon. “He is far too impatient,” remarks dangerous moderate Libby Demm. “He is too eager to get right inside, do the business, and get out by 31 October. “Typical man. I’ve had the misfortune to encounter his type too many times. Instead of preparing the way and then easing himself in gently, it’s fire this, prorogue that, and rush to the finishing line as quickly as possible so he can brag about it to his mates afterwards.”
What goes around, Cummings around. His attempts to control democracy may just have backfired, and the UK parliament may not take too kindly to unelected bureaucrats.