MAKE IT SHORT AND MAKE IT SNAPPY : Queen Elizabeth is reported (in a way that means completely fabricated) to be “beside herself with anticipation” at giving her first Queen’s Speech to re-open Parliament.
The tradition of the constitutional monarch sitting in a big golden chair goes back a long way and is used to display the Queen’s excellent collection of hats.
It also has the added benefit of looking good for postcards. Sometimes it is used by the Queen to send subtle messages to her humble servants in Parliament. Like when she wore that giant EU flag hat.
“It’s also used to set out the government’s priorities for a new session of Parliament,” our constitutional expert (using that term loosely) chipped in, “although this speech will be pretty brief because it’s all just a bit of smoke and mirrors on the executive’s part. They’re desperate to dissolve Parliament again as soon as it sits again. Not only to evade scrutiny, which dissolves Boris Johnson like sulphuric acid, but because they need a general election before they’re ousted.”
Quite what the Queen will be given to say isn’t certain.
“Dominic Cummings will be writing it, so you can bet it will be totally genius,” our expert nods, “by expert I mean of the kind that thinks everyone else is an idiot.”
Although it is rumoured that the aged monarch is looking for a sub this time, as she’s still bloody furious about being stitched up in the prorogation of Parliament. A matter now under consideration by the UK’s Supreme Court.
“Dominic will probably offer to give it himself,” our expert chances, “which isn’t a bad call. It’s almost guaranteed to be an exercise in self-defeating mendacity. So why not have an expert in that realm make the delivery?”