TIME GENTLEMEN TIME : In July 2019, emotionally retarded man-child, Boris Johnson, inherited a representative parliament called Westminster on the banks of the Thames, a long river running from the English countryside, through London and out to France.
He hoped to redevelop Westminster into a stage for his triptych and tell the story of a country moving from absolute monarchy, to constitutional monarchy, and then accidentally into autocratic, fascist tyranny.
He planned to tell the three parter through interpretive dance, next to legitimate world leaders such as Leo Varadkar, and social media performances.
In September 2019 he closed the parliament in order to refurbish it to this end. He had even engaged a demolition expert called Dom “Short” Cummings. Short Cummings claimed to also be a genius architect, but no one has ever seen evidence of that.
“Parliament is supposed to be refurbished now,” Mr Johnson told LCD Views, “it’s closed. We’ll keep it closed so we can refurbish it as a rubber stamp for tyranny. In my plans that’s after a GE in which I hope to use toxic nationalism, combined with propagandising populism, to stuff the place full of Francois’ and Bridgens. It’s a bit of a shock to find people giving it reviews on TripAdvisor and demanding it is re-opened immediately. I won’t budge. It’s my parliament and I’ll do what I like with it. Some of the people leaving reviews are saying they think parliament should refurbish itself. That it’s actually their parliament too and not just mine. They’re idiots.”
But Mr Johnson may not have it all his own way. TripAdvisor isn’t the only forum where people are expressing a desire to modify his plans.
“Now the local planning authority, the Supreme Court, has gotten involved,” Mr Johnson shrugged, “and they say they’re going to leave a TripAdvisor review soon too. Well I warn them not to get involved or my friends in the media will start leaving reviews on them too.”
How the story plays out isn’t clear, but one thing seems likely, the reviews on Mr Johnson will only get more scathing the longer the saga drags on.