EMPEROR TYRANNICUS BORISUS : 10 Downing Street already had the gloves off after last night’s mauling in the Commons, but now they’ve moved to tear the skin off their hands as well.
“Mr Johnson will be removing the party whip from the entirety of the Tory Party today and will then govern alone,” a Downing Street source reveals, “it’s a special strategic move on the advice of that master of battle, Short Cummings.”
In order to make the change to constitutional arrangements easy to understand for the general public, the prime minister will also be adopting a new title.
“Emperor. It was focus grouped via phishing campaigns on social media and found to be marginally more palatable than tyrant.”
But critics of the move had pointed out a bit of fudge in the announcement. Perfectly normally for the dynamic duo of Johnson and his master Dom.
“The adoption of the title Emperor won’t actually happen until parliament is prorogued later this month,” our Westminster specialist reveals, “this will cause some serious mistakes for the postal service. People will be incorrectly addressing correspondence to the prime minister from today!”
But there was full support from the Tory MPs who didn’t have the guts to rebel yesterday against food and medicine shortages.
“If it’s good for my career then that’s good enough for me,” said a random MP from a shire somewhere, “who knows, he might make me responsible for the gladiatorial games? I could even end up leading an army to glory in the border wars to come with Scotland? It’s a proper opportunity.”
What the Queen will make of the change isn’t yet clear, as it will presumably raise Mr Johnson over Her Majesty.
“We will have Jacob go up and stretch out on a divan,” the Downing Street source shrugged, “then he’ll lie to her about it and she’ll be none the wiser.”
Ruling by the divine right of Brexit? That’s a dying God he’s pinning his laurel on.