CHEATING CAN BE HABIT FORMING : 10 Downing Street is rumoured to be in lockdown this afternoon after a key government strategy to win crucial No Deal votes in the House of Commons was leaked to the press.
“The old Westminster saying of ‘you don’t have to be high to work here, but it helps’ was said to be the inspiration for the latest government strategy to see off Tory rebels after lying, cheating, blackmail, bribery and garden variety physical violence threats all appear to have failed,” our regular user of politics reports.
It seems the scheme to spike all drinks at the House of Commons bar with crystal meth was hit on, after an earlier mass kidnap plot was ruled out as having for too many health and safety requirements.
“Initially the plan was to trigger the fire alarm each time a vote was taking place,” our reporter invents, “but that was discarded as the building has been on fire since 23/06/16 and no one seemed to care much, till now.”
Another wheeze of Mr Johnson individually seducing every single MP, and stealing their entry pass while they slept, was ditched when it was calculated just how time consuming it would be. And besides, he’s busy trying to shag the entire UK, so it was deemed overkill.
“Also got rid of was a plan to change the locks, but that was ruined by Bercow having superglued himself to his chair, along with Ken Clarke.”
But once Angela Leadsom remembered how funny wacky backy made her feel, old dealer Gove is reported to have allegedly said he could look up some old friends, the crystal meth plan was hatched.”
But this now lies in ruins too due to a leak.
“I’m not sure it would have succeeded anyway,” our reporter guesses, “they’ve all had to have been already completely off their tits for years to allow our politics to get to the deranged state it is.”