STONE COLD SILENCE : The governing committee of the Oscars have announced a new award to be handed out at the 2020 ceremony.
Le Blank.
The award is the first time the famous gong show has ventured into the political arena, although certainly not the first time actors have done so. And of course everyone knows politicians are mostly just actors anyway.
“It’s time to recognise the extreme lengths serious world leaders are going to to keep a straight face faced with the prize, populist arsehats proliferating on the world’s political stage,” committee organise Mrs J Udge told LCD Views, “you think you’ve seen strong acting by Walken, De Niro, those nice British chaps, Olivia who plays Queens really well, but you haven’t seen anything until you’ve watched a serious, principled politician sit through an hour of Trump without bursting out laughing, or crying, or crying and laughing.”
But controversy has inevitably engulfed the new category right at its inception. Acting critics are already debating if keeping a straight face, or le blank, while Boris or Trump speak is a feat of Stanislavsky or method? Even if they should be rewarded for not publicly reacting in the first place?
“There’s some debate over who should even qualify to begin with,” Mrs J Udge added, “we’ve all seen Macron and Merkel nod politely to Boris Johnson before bursting out laughing as soon as his back is turned. But it’s not what happens after the great director called history shouts ‘cut!’ that matters. It’s the stifling of the surge of irritation and scorn in the moment that counts.”
Donald Tusk is also thought to be pre-excluded on the basis of his tell tale smirk.
“If need be we’ll focus on domestic politics in the UK and USA. Keir Starmer has nodded along to ‘jobs first Brexit’ and other guff for years without letting the obvious, damned hysteria inside him out. It’s no mean feat to play your part as a leading politician from a technically left wing party that has been giving a hard right agenda like Brexit a moral stamp of approval by pretending it’s somehow feasible without smashing the very people you’re supposed to be protecting.”
And of course Amber Rudd and Nicky Morgan are red hot favourites for hypocritically somersaulting while not smiling, just for a short lived job in Johnson’s cabinet.
“Jo Johnson too. He’s my pick for being firing a total blank when it mattered.”
But what about the general public? Do they get a vote?
“Don’t be silly. They had one of those years ago. They don’t need another.”