It’s grim up north! And it’s set to become grimmer now that Westminster has decided to use The North as a dumping ground for its rubbish.
“It’s great news for The North!” bubbled Number Ten’s Tufton Street mouthpiece, Paul Oozers. “It’s a fantastic opportunity for the lazy, feckless, unemployed Northern bastards to learn new skills. Where there’s muck there’s brass, as they say up there!”
LCD Views’ Colliery Brass Bands correspondent asked, innocently, where Oozers thought The North was.
“You will have to ask Dominic Raab’s office,” he replied. “He deals with The North.”
Hang on, shouldn’t that be Priti Patel? She is Home Secretary after all.
“Home Secretary, Home Counties,” replied Oozers. The North is another country. That’s a good point, we need to locate The North and build a wall to keep it out.”
Expect concrete around the perimeter of the M25, and checkpoints at every junction.
Dominic Raab was reported to be nervous, sweating and stammering at the news that The North was within his remit. “They have… black pudding… and drop their aitches,” he panted, white as a sheet. “The North is another country. I hadn’t quite realised the significance!”
The North is not too happy about this development. “The southern politicians always dump on t’North,” opined professional Yorkshireman Bart Att. “Ilkley Moor has never been t’same after t’bloody Londoners got ‘old of that bloody song!”
Att claimed that if The South can close themselves off, so could Yorkshire. “There will be a 157% tariff on bin bags, new or used,” he said. “Yorkshire will claim independence, and stop bloody Lancashire pinching all t’bloody Wensleydale!”
Yorkshire will be able to survive indefinitely on Pontefract cake, Whitby scampi and Yorkshire tea – and Wensleydale of course. Rumours that Yorkshire is seeking southern investors for a series of treacle mines are, so far, unconfirmed.