The prime minister of the United Kingdom, who has a record of doing what he says he will that’s as credible as norovirus promising a pleasant cruise on a ship, recorded a high production value video earlier today to make a tantalising offer.
“Look, we’re all completely punch drunk on nostalgia for the good old days,” the PM told a country having a hard time remaining a country, “and so we want to burn the modern world. You want to burn it because you don’t like hearing funny voices in public. I want to burn it because it distracts from my estranged wife’s cancer treatment while I work out how to get my young girlfriend credibility. So here’s my offer, I’ll set fire to our Wicker Man myself if everyone in the United Kingdom will just get inside with me.”
The offer, with its old world appeal (about 2000 BC) certainly set the room alight. Mostly because of the opportunity it seemed to offer to certain people in the room who wanted to see the man burn, while setting fire to the country.
Why set fire to your country? Because that’s what respecting the result of the referendum means. We all know this now. Either you expect to gain financially or politically, or both.
”It’s going to play exceptionally well with the country,” a BBC reporter is likely to tweet later about the PM’s offer, “the noble self sacrifice of a leader who has delivered on the overwhelming mandate delivered by the country to burn itself to cinders. I can’t see how anyone could fail to acknowledge the nobility of the offer.”
Various prominent men were also quick to take up the offer.
”I’ll strike the bally match for him! What ho! What a hoot!” a Nosferatu tribute act told us, “and then I’ll seize the reigns of power and impregnate the land with feudalism and rule the serfs with a rod of iron.”
How could any of this possibly go wrong? Especially as the burning is currently scheduled for Halloween.