We’re all going on a summer holiday! With Parliament in recess, MPs are Getting On With Brexit by going on their jollies. But one man is unhappy. Dominic Raab is refusing to go to Bath, because he likes a shower of a morning instead.
“I’m always told that I’m a bit of a shower,” says the Secretary for Bloody Forriners. “And it’s true! A good shower washes away all the day’s muck. Politics is a grubby game sometimes, so it’s nice to feel clean and competent!”
Bath gets its name from the ancient Roman baths there. This is another reason not to go, according to our man in the shower cubicle.
“Roman baths? ROMAN?” he exclaims indignantly. “You mean, from the EU? Rome is in France, right? I’m not putting up with any foreign muck!”
Experts confirmed that Rome is indeed in Europe, and that the baths were constructed the last time the EU invaded Britain. That time, the legions swept away years of native inertia, replacing lovely original creaky infrastructure with horribly useful paved roads, mosaics, underfloor heating, decent sewerage, and of course baths.
Other MPs are on holiday too. Boris Johnson is obsessed with Bridge, though he talks a better game than he plays. He challenged Donald Trump to a game. Garden Bridge? enquired the orange numpty. No, Transatlantic Bridge, replied the pink numpty. Trump haggled him down to a round of Snap, which Johnson won by a convincing margin.
Jacob Rees-Mogg Esq is on a modern holiday to 1215. He is very excited. “Magna Carta! It’s the first time The People took back control from the liberal elite!” he said, almost losing that measured tone. “I can’t wait to witness it all over again!”
The previous Minister for Incompetence, Chris Grayling, didn’t manage to sort out a holiday for himself this year, though his constituency office is liberally garlanded with holly. “He’s got the hump,” said his exasperated secretary. “He is going around in a camel costume!”
To Bath, or not to Bath? It just won’t wash.