French windows are a cultural abomination, says the government. In a new cultural purity drive, all European influences in Britain’s architecture will be banned.
“It’s cultural appropriation!” thundered Government wonk Tim Berframe. “This great country, this England, must return to English architecture, and only traditional English construction and features! French windows are, well, right out of the window.”
The cultural purity drive is all-consuming. Dutch gables have also been proscribed, and all buildings possessing one will be demolished.
“It’s the only way,” explained Berframe. “Brexit means Brexit. If we are going to break free from Europe, then it must be all or nothing!”
Berframe lists building materials that will be banned following No Deal. “Bricks, they are a Roman invention,” he said, ticking them off on his stubby fingers. “So is concrete. Steel, the bloody Romans as well, and modern steel was invented in Prague, so that’s out. Only indigenous materials may be used, like mud and sticks.”
Brexit means we will all have to live in mud huts. “Yes, Wattle and daub is hugely underrated. English windows may be unglazed for ventilation, but you may use glass if you want, that’s English,” interjected Berframe. “And wooden shutters. But absolutely no Venetian blinds!”
Meanwhile there is the important issue of what to do with all the French windows. “Send ‘em back!” retorts Berframe. “Remove them at once. Spray the polluted area with a decontaminant. Replace them with those dangly plastic things your granny used to have. Take the French windows to France. Their windows, their problem!
Berframe foresees a time when every Briton will make a last pilgrimage to the Continent of Evil™ with all their Roman bricks, Italian marble, German skirtings, IKEA furniture, and French windows naturally. They will be stranded on the other side, unless they own a fine English Morgan of course. “We need to invoke the Dunkirk Spirit!” said Berframe happily.
If French windows are out, then French fries, French kissing and French letters cannot be far behind. It is rumoured that Dawn French has had to go into hiding.