PENNY OF FOOLISH POUND OF DUMB : News this morning that the UK’s currency, Pound Sterling, is to stand trial for treason.
”This is a first for any major, global currency,” Sajid Javid, temporary Chancellor of the Chequered, told LCD Views, “but a message must be sent that no one is above the law, except the serving cabinet ministers of Global Britain.”
The trial will take place in public in a specially constructed wooden amphitheater built in the shape of a kangaroo.
”I think the result is a foregone conclusion,” our legal eagle took a punt (as the pound is soon to be worthless), “the pound has given itself away with its relentless remoaning and failing to believe in Brexit. It has to pay. Although presumably it will pay in a currency such as Euros or USD, because who is holding pounds?”
The only glitch in the decision appears to be a difficulty in apprehending the pound.
”It’s working with malicious foreign actors,” our specialist revealed, “swapping itself into other currencies constantly. This is the evidence and the act of treason. But of course as soon as it has taken refuge in another currency it can’t easily be apprehended and stood in the dock.”
But the government has a way around that classic bit of fiscal espionage.
”We will soon be printing billions and billions and billions of new patriotic pounds,” Mr Javid said proudly, “and as soon as they’re seen turning into a dollar they’ll be banned from foreign flight and tried for treason as a warning to the currency to boost itself, or else.”
None of this would even be necessary if the Telegraph could just print that remainers had started believing in Brexit.