There is no need to call in the experts. Boris Johnson is assembling a DIY flat-pack cabinet using the only available materials: dead wood and loose screws.
The already notorious can-do attitude is very much in evidence. Much like a thrifty man in his shed, Boris is using all the odds and ends that nobody really wants. The raw materials are riddled with rising damp, woodworm, dry rot, wet rot, bed bugs, and rust. This cabinet will be rotten to the core, and will fall apart as soon as he tries to nail it down.
As all the planks of May’s cabinet are removed, Boris is seeking to replace them with even shorter planks.
ERG members are standing by with a mixture of excitement and trepidation. Jacob Rees-Mogg, with his Victorian values and schoolboy Latin, is in line to become Education Secretary. Mark Francois, whose father famously served in The War, is a shoo-in for Defence Secretary. Nadine Dorries, jungle celebrity and author, will be Culture Secretary. And Andrew Bridgen, who believes that he is automatically entitled to an Irish passport, will naturally become Foreign Secretary.
So much for the loose screws. What about the dead wood?
The cabinet will be energised by being full of has-beens. David Davis, with the intelligence of a packet of mince and a record to match, is likely to be stay-at-Home Secretary. Iain Duncan Smith, with his experience of inflicting austerity on Universal Credit claimants, should be the next Chancellor of the Exchequer. Priti Patel, with her tendency to go rogue, will be Deputy Prime Minister. And the deadest wood of all, John Redwood, is a natural to become Brexit Secretary.
Boris Johnson’s charm may hold it together like gaffer tape, but Johnson would have been better advised just to go to IKEA like his predecessor.