UK EN-GULFED BY CRISIS : Futurologists working at the Institute of What’s Up Next Week, Totnes, have been asked to provide their best guess as to what the UK can expect after the first week of Boris Johnson as PM.
“Well, the UK can expect to be a lot smaller if Boris Johnson enters 10 Downing Street and doesn’t run right back out again after a blonde woman,” Professor Boffin advised, “especially England. We conservatively predict that half of mainland England, and many islands, will have been seized by the Iranian Revolutionary Guards by the end of week one. Which has a certain logic, seeing as it’s little England that will make him PM.”
The forecast is based on the inherent nature of Boris Johnson.
“He’s a Frank Spencer, with the difference that he doesn’t mean well. He’ll bumble about, faced with crisis, adding fuel to the fires. I wouldn’t send any UK naval assets after those tankers. The Boris touch will see them moored in Iranian ports half an hour after they arrive on scene.”
But surely the Professor is just exaggerating, because he’s a remainer?
“Look. Just look at Brexit? The project Boris has championed from early 2016. How’s that working out? International players are using it to take advantage of the United Kingdom and Boris is currently just making buses out of wine boxes. What’s it going to be like when he attempts to make an entire cabinet out of them? I’d leave now. While you still can. I predict by this time next week I’ll be in the Artic Circle. Just to sure.”
But critics of the forecast have also seized on one of the underlying principles used in the modelling.
“This forecast is based on Boris Johnson actually doing some work,” an armchair opined, “and there’s actually very little chance of that at all.”
But a defender of Mr Johnson’s record has poured scorn on the suggestion he’ll suffer as a result, after all, whatever happens it’ll just be Boris being Boris…