WALKING DEAD : Outgoing prime minister of Nowhere, Theresa May, received a boost today when her almost dead premiership was declared fit for work by the Department for Work and Pensions.
”It means that she can carry on doing the job she loves even though her job is on its last legs,” a DWP spokesman said, “just because she’s dragging herself along the pavement outside No 10 doesn’t mean she can’t still work full time as prime minister.”
The assessment, which was carried out by a medieval plague doctor, as befits Ms May’s time as prime minister, is suspected as being a backup plan for when that yersini pestis of British politics, Boris de waffle Johnson, takes over next week.
”We all know Boris isn’t going to do any bloody work, fit for it or most definitely not,” the insider insided, “so this decision to keep the old girl’s political corpse at work in the wheelhouse is such good governance. Contingency planning.”
Whether or not Ms May will contest the judgement isn’t clear, but there where hints in her goodbye speech today. Although she didn’t know at the time that she wasn’t going to be allowed an unearned rest.
”It’s everyone else’s fault but mine,” she told an assembled crowd, “you’re all bastards, every last man and dog amongst you. I hate you all. If you’d all just compromised and done exactly what my neurotic control freakery demanded I would have been just fine. You’d all be living an even bigger nightmare, but I would have been fine, safely cocooned in the insane room I’ve built deep inside my mind, happily ruling over a totalitarian hell in which people are solely judged based on accident of birth.”
We’ll take from that that she’s unlikely to appeal.