Divisive, absolutist language of winners and losers is not helpful, says Theresa May in her farewell speech. Her final, desperate plea to the nation is as likely to be heeded as much as all the others were.
“I’ve lost a few things in my time,” admitted the Prime Suspect Minister. “My majority, my credibility, my party. I once lost Brexit down the back of the sofa!”
Abandoned by friends and enemies alike, only one man stood by her. “My faithful Philip,” said May, with a facsimile of warmth crossing her face, streaks of rust descending from her eyes. “I think it’s only because I hid his credit card and won’t tell him where!”
May is determined not to be branded as a loser. “Look at my achievements!” she screeched. “The hostile environment! The ‘Go home’ vans! The popular, I mean populist, touch. It was hardly my fault that so many people actually like foreigners, working with them, making friends with them, marrying them. Who knew?”
May generously shared her worries. “I am genuinely worried about the current state of British politics,” she creaks. “Too many losers have embraced politics of division, identifying enemies to blame for our problems and offering apparently easy answers. When I find out who is responsible, I’m going to get very cross indeed!”
Nostradamus May there, accurately predicting the last three years.
“I am proud of my leadership,” she grated. “When negative forces warned that where I led, none would follow, I went there anyway. I was strong, I was stable, I was stubborn. I led, nobody followed. I stood alone. That’s what great leaders do!”
May was advised to go and take a long, hard look at herself in the mirror. “That won’t help,” she quipped, her humour chip activating. “I have no reflection!”
She concluded by looking ahead to her retirement from frontline politics. “I might become an MEP,” she suggested. “Or more likely, buy a shed and write my memoirs in it!”
The working title is believed to be, How Not To Be Prime Minister.