Where does a statue go to hide, and reinvent itself? Slovenia of course, where the alleged statue of Melania Trump has been outed as the statute formerly known as Ronaldo.
More than this, the statue has renounced all names, and will henceforth be known as The Unpronounceable Squiggle.
“This is almost unprecedented,” claimed statue expert Chip Rock. “Statues have remodelled themselves in the past, but a gender reassignment is very rare.”
The commonest example is cutting off their nose to spite their face. “Like the Sphinx,” said Rock. “She attracted so much attention because of her beauty. Bored of this and wanting a quiet life, she denosed. Now she is pissed off because tourists flock to see her as an ugly weirdo instead.”
The Venus de Milo was shy about losing her arms, says Rock. “She hid in a cave for years, because she was embarrassed,” he said. “She had no way to cover up her boobs!”
Some have resisted temptation, though. “Michaelangelo’s David has been bombarded with junk emails offering penis extensions,” claims Rock. “But he is happy the way he is!”
Meanwhile the elusive Squiggle is about to commence a world tour. She/he is planning appearances next to Jesus in Rio De Janeiro, beside the Angel of the North outside Gateshead, and on the fourth plinth in London’s Trafalgar Square.
Squiggle’s final gig will be on Mount Rushmore in South Dakota. The faces of Washington, Jefferson, Roosevelt and Lincoln are all planning to become Donald Trump for the occasion.
The exact nature of Squiggle’s shows are being kept under wraps. Insiders have leaked some details. For example, Squiggle will sing a medley of hits including Little Red Cravat and When Snowflakes Cry. There will also be interludes of keepy-uppy, rolling around on the floor in fake agony, and sulking.
Statue means statue. Expect a very wooden performance.