The poor little rich boy is planning the announcement to coincide with the next outbreak of Brexit Party idiocy. The living wage will see no increases under his leadership, he will say.
Unfortunately he is also on record for claiming that he could not survive on a cabinet minister’s salary of £141,000, or roughly £50 an hour. Someone must have been spaffing money up the wall.
LCD Views’ Root Of All Evil correspondent contacted Boris Johnson’s office to find out why a living wage of £8.21 an hour is plenty, but £50 isn’t.
“Obviously Boris misspoke,” dissembled spokesnumpty Fay Sparm. “But he has a point. When you tot up all the amounts he has to pay, it comes to a fair whack. Especially as he can’t claim it all back on expenses like in the old days.”
Surely that’s why an MP gets paid more than most people.
“Boris isn’t most people,” says Sparm. “His hush money, I mean child maintenance payments, are astronomical. He had to take the writing job on the Telegraph just to make ends meet, and to make sure he has sufficient vintage champagne for breakfast.”
Hardly a man of the people, then.
“Depends which people you mean.”
Fair point.
But how can he expect his subjects to get by on £8.21 an hour while he can’t survive on £50?
“The rules don’t apply to Boris,” claimed Sparm triumphantly. “He can be charmingly incompetent, and insult all and sundry, and everybody loves him. It puts him in the same bracket as the Duke of Edinburgh!”
And I suppose the other expenses are totting up, too.
“Well obviously the recent incident with his lover, Carrie Onfighting, has cost Boris dear,” admitted Sparm. “Sofas and laptops cost money, and people like Boris don’t just pop down to IKEA like the rest of us. And Harrod’s delivery charges have gone through the roof now all the immigrant labour has buggered off!”
That’s OK, then. Carry on spaffing.