The local management of the local retirement village in Royston Vasey has confirmed that one of their inmates is on the run. In better news, a worryingly progressive youngster has notified the management that the inmate has been spotted, via social media, in Strasbourg.
Social media and Royston Vasey go together like Brexit and reality. Therefore, the news filtered in via a rogue niece of Tubbs, who escaped to, well, somewhere not local. She sent an image by carrier pigeon, with a note asking if Auntie Ann had got out again.
LCD Views’ Wing And A Prayer correspondent saw the reply, which merely said that Auntie Ann would be “made to sit in The Special Chair” when she returned.
Tubbs’ Niece, Emmy Grant, takes up the story. “Auntie Ann was always a character,” she explains. “She never married, because, she says, a man once looked at her funny-like. But the real reason is that she herself is played by a man, of course.”
Why the desire to escape?
“It is in her blood,” says Grant. “Wandering Widdy was what the village urchins called her. She has always had this desire to be independent, to escape the slavery of the life in Royston Vasey. God knows how she got to France. She never ever managed to get further than the parish boundary before. The border patrols would bring her back in, but they never put her in the Special Chair.”
What is the Special Chair?
Grant blanched and looked around nervously. “Nobody knows,” she whispered. “But nobody has ever sat on it and retained control of their faculties.”
There must be a record of her comings and goings.
“You don’t know Auntie Ann,” said Grant. “One look from those porcine eyes and the request to go ballroom dancing is enough to cow the most stubborn stranger into submission. I expect she screeched, ‘want a dance?’ and they thought she wanted to go to France. They wouldn’t know how to handle her, so I expect they just shoved her on the boat with the other weirdos.”
Edward and Tubbs are coordinating the rescue from the Royston Vasey shop. Flocks of pigeons are flying between Strasbourg and The North. They are believed to be tempting her with Ovaltine laced with crack cocaine. “It always works,” reads one of the missives. “You’ll never leave!”
The Special Chair awaits.