BRING OUT YOUR DEAD : Tory leadership hopeful, Jeremy Hunt (MP for Freak-on-Eyes), is bringing the kind of panache to the leadership race that only an inheritance multi-millionaire can.
“I’ll burn every job on the face of the planet, if that’s the only way to deliver Brexit,’ a smiling Mr Hunt said candidly, during a secretive, late night interview in a graveyard of political principles.
Mr Hunt was in the graveyard to dig up the body of the Honestly and we popped along to give him a hand.
“Here, grab the legs. I do this with a heavy heart, but I’m advised working as a resurrection man will give me street cred with the hipsters who decide if it’s me or Boris at the end of July.”
Next he asked us to bring his wheelbarrow a little bit closer. Honestly was buried next to Integrity, which was next to Any Semblance of Common Sense.
”I’ll also slash corporation tax, with a heavy heart,” he advised, “and you know the fresher the NHS is when you deliver it, the more they pay you. Of course we need to Brexit first so we can finish off the health service.”
But what about jobs? Given we are now so impressively insane politically, that a candidate to be PM feels it necessary to promise to destroy the livelihoods of hardworking British taxpayers?
”Well I’ll be tough on jobs,” he nodded, putting the shovel on top of the body, “and tougher on the causes of jobs.”
That’s one hell of a Brexit policy. It’s a wonder Boris Johnson didn’t think of it first.
”Oh, he’s too busy looking for a room to rent on sparerooms, or airbandb or whatever it is young lovers on the run use to protect their privacy,” Mr Hunt replied, “between looking for somewhere to sleep each night and his arts and craft hobby, I’m surprised he has time to campaign.”
So which jobs in particular will you be tough on?
”Manual workers. Manufacturing. Low skilled ones like teachers and nurses. Firemen? The rest of those will go in the waves of fresh austerity following any Brexit. Financial Services. Higher Education. It really doesn’t matter. If it employs people and provides self worth and stability, it’s dead. By the time I’m finished only inheritance millionaires will be in work. I parked my van over there. Let’s load up and get out of here.”
Where are we taking Honesty?
”To the nearest Conservative Party Hustings. If I can’t put it up on a scaffold before 0.3% of the population and show them it’s lifeless I don’t have a chance of winning.”
I’m surprised Boris hasn’t got here before you.
“Oh, he didn’t even realise political Honesty’s dead. He had no use for it when it was alive.”