TERMS AND CONDITIONS APPLY : CHIRS GRAYLING is relieved to be back in the news today after the announcement that No Deal ferry contracts are out to tender again.
The first round of contracts to ship vital medicines to the UK in the event of a catastrophically, insane period of governmental, and political failure, resulting in a threat to life and livelihoods, ended earlier in the year with pay dirt for takeaway firms.
“You need to incentivise British businesses to diversify as we grasp the bold opportunities presented by Brexit,” Mr Grayling told LCD Views, “and the borderless potential to funnel public money into private pockets for zero outcomes.”
The ability to now just spaff taxpayer’s money up against the nearest wall is increased by the likelihood of complete idiocracy under Boris Johnson.
“It’s the natural next step in neoliberal, trickle down economics,” Grayling revealed, “you don’t even need to pretend to run a service of any kind now, thanks to Brexit. You just have to hire lawyers to draw up a contract and give us a call.”
The current tender round should see businesses from across the spectrum competing. No ships required.
“It’s about the gravy train,” Grayling went on, “and riding on it. It’s pretty special to be overseeing the evolution of outsourcing to the point where there isn’t even the pretence to delivering on being awarded a government contract. I feel like I’m chiseling my own David now. Michelangelo eat your heart out!”
But it’s not all plain sailing, as already lawsuits are threatened by takeaway food firms that don’t deliver pizzas without ships.
“KFC have intimated that they will sue,” Grayling admitted, “but that’s fine. We can throw anyone that sues money too. This is Brexit. This is taking back control of the public purse and burning in full view of all to see. It can only enhance the Conservative Party’s reputation for sound fiscal management.”