WE ARE NOT AMUSED : Uproar and furore today at the news of more public money being lavished on the ever expanding Royal Family.
“The royal carriages are being replaced by banana floats in preparation for Brexit,” our avid royal watcher reveals, “and it’s believed to be payback for the Queen’s EU hat. No one escapes the wrath of the Brexit zealots. Not even Her Maj.”
But while payback for heretical hat milinerism is thought sufficient justification for the update to royal mobility, our expert suspects it’s cover for a more altogether fiscal motive.
”The government needs the gold off the carriages,” our watcher guesses wildly, “to pay for the ever ballooning cost of Brexit. It’s not going to pay for itself after all and we’ve all to chip in and share the cost.”
Quite what price the government will get for the kilos of vintage gold is not certain, as it depends on the daily fluctuations in the gold price.
”I wouldn’t be overly concerned about that. There’s a few MPs receiving donations from across the pond by US gold speculators. Totally above board. No conflict of interest. HMG will have the inside track on when best to sell it all for scrap.”
And when best is likely to be tricky. The gold price is set to surge if Donald Trump ever gets over his aversion to US soldiers coming home in body bags, and making him look bad, or in the event of a No Deal Brexit.
”I guess they’ll go to Hatton Garden and sell the lot sometime in October when old Bojo finally has to face up to parliament. You can sell the lot, if you pick the right shop, no questions asked. And the banana floats are fitting anyway, symbolising Brexit Britain, now all we need to do is convince the Queen to abdicate and become a republic.”
Brexit is set to make us the 51st state of the USA anyway, so that’ll see to that.