THE BREXIT JOB : Boris Johnson has been recorded by those pesky neighbours again, this time shouting at bus he made from cardboard boxes.
”We’ve got the tape,” a breathless LCD Views imaginary intern gasped, “the neighbours sent it in by courier because they are big, bloody lefties and they decided it was the best way to undermine Boris Johnson’s bid to be prime minister. Not because of his character as a chancer who makes us complete and utter bulldust to amuse himself in interviews is relevant to his potential as prime minister.”
The tape is a revealing one and it does seem to contradict the intern and validate Boris’s claims as to how he unwinds.
The first hour or two is Boris rummaging around in the garbage pile in his living room, muttering how “you can’t get shaggable help these days” and “what’s wrong with a French maid’s outfit for dusting bookshelves anyway?”. Then there’s a cry of success and a search for scissors and paint.
Music also plays, mostly opera, which our resident classics expert identifies as “Pagliacci” by Ruggero Leoncavallo.
”But things take a turn when he selects famous British movie theme tunes,” the interns reveals, “and the music for ‘The Italian Job’ starts up.”
It’s unclear if the cardboard box bus survives the ensuing tantrum as Mr Johnson can be plainly heard intermittently sobbing and shouting furiously at himself.
”But you were only supposed to blow bloody David Cameron out of a job”
He says it over and over before finally apparently giving up, urinating on the bus and going out into the street to find somewhere to sleep.