BAD OMENS : Amazing news today with the revelation that the Brexit God has been spotted driving his chariot in the sky over Stonehenge.
“He was supposed to do the drive by during summer solstice,” a red faced priest from the church of Brexit told our religious affairs correspondent, “but he was late of course. But he’s still a god and I won’t hear any heresy to the contrary! It’s the fault of remoaners. That’s why he was late. They didn’t fatten enough calves and sacrifice.”
And sacrifice to appease the Brexit God is becoming a key question in British political life. It’s being pushed to the forefront as the two remaining candidates to lead the Tory Party (into oblivion) attempt to win the support of the congregation.
“Jeremy said on the weekend that he would burn a steel wheel business, which has captured half the EU market for its product, to the ground to make Brexit God happy. That’s a good start. But there’s a long way to go. Boris will need to up the ante on that.”
How Boris will do that isn’t yet clear, mostly because he needs to hide a lot and think about it.
“He’s probably writing a hymn. That’s my guess. There used to be questions over his orthodoxy, but I personally believe he’s self-serving enough to lay whatever is needed on the altar, so long as it only harms someone else. This is Brexit.”
But why Stonehenge?
“Brexit God is doing a national tour to convert more heretics into believers. He’s a smart god. He’s still hanging over Westminster. He’s omniscient. He’s a strong god.”
And where should people look next if they wish to see Brexit God for themselves?
“I suspect their bank balance,” the red faced priest shrugged, “poor man or rich, Brexit God will influence. Mostly by transferring whatever the former has left into the accounts of the later. Praise be to Brexit God. God of currency fluctuation and those who are blessed by it.”