MUTUAL RESPECT : Nigel Farage is bloody chuffed today and he wants the whole world to know about it.
The cause of his excitement is the receiving of a personal letter from one of his heroes.
“The letter even begins with one of my catchphrases,” A jubilant Mr Farage told the dead via LBC, “it starts with ‘Dear Nigel, now, now, let me speak’ . It’s a very touching tribute and a mark of respect. And let me tell the British people here and now that the respect is mutual.”
But who is this lovely letter from?
“None other than a little boy called Satan, aged 10,” Mr Farage informs, “he wanted to write to me to tell me he’s a fellow traveler on the road to Brexit. He admires my efforts to make a foreign country great again. Da little Satan! Da!”
But although bringing a lot of joy to Mr Farage, who needs a lift after having to push for the prosecution of a man with a milkshake, because a fascist can’t appear weak before dairy products, there have been some questions raised about the veracity of the letter.
“Satan isn’t 10 years old,” a handwriting expert who has studied the letter told us, “and he certainly wouldn’t write in such neat handwriting if he was. It’s bollocks. Bloody confusing bollocks too. Although I guess maybe Farage was daydreaming about setting up his own Hitler Youth style movement and got carried away? That would explain it.”
Still, whatever the rights and wrongs of faking a letter from a make believe fan, we would like to believe Mr Farage isn’t lying, for the first time in his life, and that hell is exactly where he’s headed. He best take the letter with him when the time comes, to ensure he’s gets special treatment.