YAKETY BALL SAX : FANTASTIC news today on a badly needed update to Global Britain’s pomp and circumstance with the news that ‘God Save The Queen’ will be retired, should Boris Johnson succeed in becoming prime minister.
The famous jazz ditty, made famous by Benny Hill as the closing music in his long running smash TV show, is believed to better encapsulate the international reputation the UK will quickly acquire.
“That’s if we’re lucky,” a Whitehall civil servant, tasked with selecting the new national anthem, told us exclusively, “lucky in this context means that the Johnson premiership is one in which he does sod all actual work and just runs about the country bed hopping with young women silly enough to bed hop with him. Before attempting to escape them so he can hop into the next bed. It could be hilarious.”
But what if we’re unlucky?
“You mean, he actually tries to govern?”
Yes.
“Defcon 5 old boy,” the weary civil servant shrugged, “I’ll be retiring early to the south of France and I recommend you do too. It’ll be the entire budget year on year spaffed on the planning of vanity monuments that will never be built, while everything around you burns.”
But surely if we just believe hard enough in Boris Johnson’s ability to govern it will all work out well?
”In a sense,” the civil servant agreed, “in the sense that he will do so terribly at it he’ll be out of office by year end and take Brexit with him.”
Now that’s a future we can get behind and push.