BORIS WHO? Boris Johnson has released a statement today, exclusively to LCD Views, in which he makes a move to distance himself from himself.
”I um, paaaaaah, like Theseus purchasing a sewing machine, the old wheel of fate doth churn the butter off the fat of the young, blonde filly’s thighs…tasty!” the statement, apparently recorded by Mr Johnson himself begins, “and I say to Dunkirk! Take back your ships! I would already have dessert!”
And that wasn’t the half of it, for the love of God.
”Many ships have sailed the Straits of Eros and I have been the pilot of thighs uncounted. The uncharted pubis reveals, once, waaa, once touched by the bowstrings of cheap delight, flight into the night, before the verocious, judgemental glare of Michaelangelo and his palate from the Gods!”
It really is just a word salad, like anything Mr Johnson says, but he says it with energy and people believe it’s a flattened lamb slaughtered for a feast.
”So I say to you now! Under WTO rules, Gate 24, departures open, I do not know this Boris Johnson whose neighbours call the police in the night! It is Gove! The vengeful spirit. I know him. But Boris Johnson I have never met. Vote for me. Me. ME. And I will retrieve the shining ring from the fires of Mount Doom!”
We doubt that. Our advice to Mr Johnson this morning, after the domestics of the night, is to stop hiding as he’s just f*cking that up too.
Let us see you. Stand in the light. Your every move now will be the focus of the media and should you fall on your own clumsy sword, shared delight.