SILVERBACKS : Relief amongst the red faced and swollen ranks of dominant alpha male Tory MPs this afternoon with the news they are to receive self defence training.
”It’s so they can protect themselves from younger women armed with threatening ideas,” Mr Gore Illa (MP for Recall-on-petitions) told us proudly.
”You don’t get your family to get you into a privileged position in politics only to have some bloody hippy pleb interrupt you at dinner in a posh building,” Mr Gore Illa continued, “when I stand up momentarily on my hind legs to beat my fists against my chest I expect it’s only my call that sounds through the forest.”
The training is expected to be so simple even Mark Francois, or Mark Field, can understand it.
”What to do with a woman holding an opposing view?” the MP explained, “you first ignore them. They’re not important enough. If they persist you glare threateningly and hope a sub member of the pack deals with them to make you happy. If that fails you bellow aggressively. And if that doesn’t work? Physical violence is the only reasonable reaction. You have to overpower them to make them feel afraid so they don’t interrupt you feeling important ever again. Nothing can be allowed to bruise your sense of entitlement. It’s about safety of reputation. Mostly as that of a brute.”
Critics have been quick to point out that there’s an increasingly long list of Tory MPs who don’t need the training. And taxpayer money could be better spent on more expensive lunches.
”Bloody hippies. Bad for the digestion. Who cares if the planet is turning into a boiling puddle of piss, so long as I’m not interrupted at a dinner reception.”