YOU’RE A SMALL MAN REALLY, AREN’T YOU : Doctors working to treat Tory MP for Rayleigh and Wickford, Mark Francois, have released a statement this morning saying his case of small man syndrome is incurable.
“We tried standing him on an empty tea chest,” head specialist at the clinic, Doctor Long Leggs said, “but he was still an offensive little prat.”
Fitting the vindictive and quarrelsome little man with high heels was similarly useless.
“He fell over every time. Lay there like a beetle on its back, tiny limbs waving uselessly, threatening to bite anyone that tried to help him. Clearly the treatment was worse than the cure, so we abandoned that too.”
Psychological counselling was also a non-starter.
“He’s so insecure, he’s just so small, we couldn’t reach him. We even tried leaving him locked in an isolation chamber so there was no reference to how petty he is from the outside world, actually, from the entire universe, but it didn’t work. The hole inside is too deep. He actually fell further into himself and that could have become terminal. We had to pull him out. But then he was faced with men who will always be taller than he is, regardless of their physical height, and he went red in the face and started screaming about what he’d left behind on the beaches of Normandy. It was a pathetic sight.”
But with treatment impossible the search is now on for what to do to make his life as comfortable as possible.
“We suggest he lives out his days as Jacob Rees-mogg’s toilet roll holder. At least then he can be happy, close to the source of all the shit that makes him feel worthwhile and supplies his mistaken sense of self-importance. When really he’s just a means to an end.”