FINGER TO LIPS : “Just don’t speak” is the advice being proffered to the five remaining Tory leadership contenders, after last night’s televised debate.
“If we all go into hiding together then we can’t screw up becoming prime minister,” Michael Gove is rumoured to have said, “perhaps we could form a coalition and govern together? As chums. Light a fire and sing some songs?”
Boris Johnson is believed to have considered the idea, thinking it would make him look like a leader, as the other four would be following his earlier lead in the campaign.
“If it’s a walking escape then I’ve got a map and a compass,” Rory Stewart, Weyland-Yutan’s missing link between the Ash and Bishop androids (made famous in the early Alien films) was heard to respond, “I even know a great cave we can hide in. It has eggs inside. We won’t go hungry.”
Sajid Javid didn’t say anything. He was said to be searching his childhood memories for something relevant to say.
And as for Jeremy Hunt? He’s said to have offered to lead also, saying he would walk backwards and all the others had to do was “look into my eyes, don’t look anywhere but my eyes” and they’d be safe.
It’s a good idea. After the shouting match by the men who knew too little it’s clear that the phrase “a government of all the talents” will not be used again in the UK anytime soon.
What is certain is that the less they speak the better now and the next Prime Minister of the United Kingdom may well be someone who wasn’t in the room last night at all.
Happy trails boys. Just start walking. You’ll be doing us all a favour.