Chuck A. Beveridge, the man who threw milkshake at Nigel Farage, is confused. He has been ordered to do community service, but thought that he had already done that by throwing the milkshake.
Beveridge was hauled up in front of humourless magistrates to do penance. “It’s a disgrace!” thundered magistrate Waring A. Silliwig. “In this great country, this blessed plot, this earth, this realm, this England, one simply does not throw expensive drinks at fringe politicians!”
Beveridge was not to be browbeaten. “It was a spur of the moment act,” he replied. “I was enjoying a tasty, milky drink and minding my own business. Then this procession came towards me, accompanied by the stench of nostalgic exceptionalism, and led by a man I can only describe as Nigel Farage. I saw red, white and blue. I didn’t even think. I just launched the shake. I did it for the greater good!”
“I fail to see how defacing one of our minor celebrities constitutes the greater good,” replied Silliwig, with a trace of sarcasm. “You will do 150 hours of community service!”
“But milkshaking Farage is an act of community service,” Beveridge responded. “The poisonous, slippery little man has had it his own way far too much. Nobody is prepared to stand up to him. I think he’s milking it too much!”
“And you must pay for the clean-up!” continued Silliwig, not to be deflected. “The street will need to be scrubbed, and the non-recycleable cup and straw must be disposed of!”
“What about Nigel’s suit?” asked Beveridge.
“Yeah, I suppose we should get that cleaned up too,” agreed Silliwig. “Mustn’t have him strutting about with it like a badge of honour!”
“So you agree with me,” said Beveridge.
“Yes, but officially I can’t,” said Silliwig. “I’m paid to stick up for the wealthy and privileged. 150 hours of community service. Next!”
Beveridge may have lost his job as a result of the incident, but he has already moved into TV production. Tune in tonight for his new show, Celebrity Shakes!